Changed Identity

When I took the photo of the trunks and luggage you see in the picture above, I wondered where did each trunk go and what was their purpose?  I asked myself those same questions after my husband died; where did I go and what is my purpose now? 

Each of the large trunks represents something of my past.  The bottom trunk is where my identity as Fred’s wife remains; who I use to be.  The trunk above was my routine of doing life with another person; what I use to do.  The trunk holding the smaller pieces of luggage is the treasure chest that holds the memories of places we went; where I use to go.

Those smaller pieces of luggage arranged on the top of the three trunks hold space for something else; for who I am becoming.  The loss of a loved one changes us.  We are not who we once were.  It can’t be helped. We are different.

Miriam Neff, author and founder of The Widow Connection, a world-wide ministry to support widows, says, “As a widow, I have learned that we all change.  And much of the change is good. We become faith-filled because we cannot face the day any other way.  We become strong because we have no other choice. We are compassionate because our heart has been broken.”

Our grief has opened us wide to find what’s always been there.  We just didn’t know it.  We’ve emerged with a changed identity.  It’s part of the journey as we morph into a different version of ourselves. Quite possibly, we become who we would never become if our loved one was still here: Finding out we are braver than we ever knew and more dependent on God than before, as we trust, accept and live out a different identity.   

"Grateful Yet Grieving"

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download

Beneath the Surface

Last month I attended a wedding where the tree in the picture above was the setting for the ceremony.  I was enthralled with this massive tree.  I wanted to learn about it; how old was it?  What kind of tree was it? What made all the branches grow?  What was beneath that I couldn’t see that created its beauty?

So much of our grief is below the surface of what is unseen but felt; unspoken but experienced; unmentioned but obvious.  How do we learn about our grief within the confines of these seemingly limitations?

Dr. H. Norman Wright, traumatologist and grief expert says, “The more you learn about grief, the more you’ll be able to handle it better.”  Dr. Wright isn’t just an expert on grief because he’s studied it for over 40 years; he’s experienced it.  He lost a child and his spouse.  I recently heard him speak and when he was talking, he choked up and said, “welcome back, grief.”  He was familiar with his own grief and comfortable enough to allow himself to feel it.  He invited his grief into the present space he was in. 

Becoming our own grief expert begins with where we are. We have experienced a loss and we are grieving.  Our own self talk can get in the way when we ask “what’s wrong with me?” When we think we should be okay by now.  What we tell ourselves about our loss is crucial.  The messages we give ourselves about our grief journey are critical as we learn to “handle it better” as Dr. Wright says.

An invitation awaits us as we learn more about ourselves in our grief and below the surface.  We can welcome our grief when it knocks or leave it standing at the door.  The choice is ours. 

"Grateful Yet Grieving"

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download