Intuitive vs. Instrumental Grieving
During the first year after my husband died, I saw a therapist every Wednesday morning. My therapist often reminded me that my children and I “were all in the same park on a different path.” Those words were so helpful in being able to describe where I was, reminding me that my own individual journey was unique and unlike anyone else. Since then, I have gone on to discover more about how we all grieve differently. Two researchers, Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin, have determined there are two styles of grieving. One is called the intuitive style and the other is instrumental style.
An intuitive griever is categorized by expression of feelings. This might look like displays of feelings through crying and using a journal to write their feelings. This person might internally grieve in isolation. An instrumental griever may display less intense feelings while trying to manage the situation and problem solve. Demonstrations of instrumental grieving might be cleaning the garage or demolishing a kitchen. Action expresses the grief and pain.
Why does this matter? When we are in a strange and unfamiliar space, it gives way to lots of questions like, where am I? what am I doing here? and how do I manage this unexpected place? When we identify our style of grieving, it gives us the opportunity to allow ourselves to go there with freedom and without fear of doing it right. There is no doing it right when it comes to grief. It’s hard, painful, and sometimes barely survivable. There is no correct way. But we do make it through expressing ourselves in the way we are wired and designed.
Author Patrick O’Malley writes in his book, “Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow and Loss”, says “Knowing yourself and understanding your unique way of interacting with the world is very important as you seek to reduce the anxiety or shame that comes from feeling that you have to get grief right. Your personality, life experiences, and wiring will dictate to a significant degree, how you experience loss and what you need from yourself and others as grieving unfolds.” Such good words affirming where we are as we process and move through the maze of grief one day at a time.
