Without Measure

Somewhere in the first month or two after my husband died, I developed a strange system of trying to measure my progress.  Each evening I would reflect back on my day and determine how I was doing.  My criteria included how many times I cried and for how long.  It was like I wanted a Fitbit for my grief to measure it.  It worked for a while, until it didn’t.  Grief can’t be measured or contained.  Grief is the result of loving someone. 

Another component in my attempt to measure my progress was to determine that this wasn’t going to be my life forever.  There was a battle in my mind to measure progress rather than allow myself to move through the process.  Entering the process is where we feel, weep, ache, lament, pray, mourn and plod through, holding on and being held by our Heavenly Father.

Kate Bowler, author of “No Cure for Being Human” and “Everything Happens for a Reason” reflects with these words: “We all need a bit of permission to allow ourselves time and space to feel the weight of loss, and move through it in our own way.  My friend and former cello teacher lost her husband last year, and the week after the funeral, to the chagrin of those thought she should be taking a break, there she was at the piano accompanying the services as she always did.  That was her way of living through her loss, with keys under her fingers, helping others the way she always did.  So, my dears, what can then be said of grief except that is the burden of love?  It can’t be defined or drawn, only suffered.  But what must be said, what must be given, is the permission to feel it.  All of it.  Not as a state, but as a process.  No one can tell you what that process must be for you, just now.  So gently, gently, let it lead you through.”

So, with those words, let us gently move through process with hope and grace.

"Grateful Yet Grieving"

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download

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See Pam’s story as featured in Dayspring’s recent book:

“Sweet Tea for the Soul: Comforting, Real-Life Stories for Grieving Hearts”

Intuitive vs. Instrumental Grieving

During the first year after my husband died, I saw a therapist every Wednesday morning.  My therapist often reminded me that my children and I “were all in the same park on a different path.”  Those words were so helpful in being able to describe where I was, reminding me that my own individual journey was unique and unlike anyone else.  Since then, I have gone on to discover more about how we all grieve differently.  Two researchers, Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin, have determined there are two styles of grieving.  One is called the intuitive style and the other is instrumental style.

An intuitive griever is categorized by expression of feelings.  This might look like displays of feelings through crying and using a journal to write their feelings.  This person might internally grieve in isolation.  An instrumental griever may display less intense feelings while trying to manage the situation and problem solve.  Demonstrations of instrumental grieving might be cleaning the garage or demolishing a kitchen.  Action expresses the grief and pain. 

Why does this matter?  When we are in a strange and unfamiliar space, it gives way to lots of questions like, where am I? what am I doing here? and how do I manage this unexpected place?  When we identify our style of grieving, it gives us the opportunity to allow ourselves to go there with freedom and without fear of doing it right.  There is no doing it right when it comes to grief.  It’s hard, painful, and sometimes barely survivable.  There is no correct way.  But we do make it through expressing ourselves in the way we are wired and designed.

Author Patrick O’Malley writes in his book, “Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow and Loss”, says “Knowing yourself and understanding your unique way of interacting with the world is very important as you seek to reduce the anxiety or shame that comes from feeling that you have to get grief right.  Your personality, life experiences, and wiring will dictate to a significant degree, how you experience loss and what you need from yourself and others as grieving unfolds.”  Such good words affirming where we are as we process and move through the maze of grief one day at a time.

"Grateful Yet Grieving"

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download