A Life Remodel

In 2013, the television program that would fascinate all of us had its first episode. “Fixer Upper” would snowball into an empire as we watched a process of transformation each week. The “before” house and the “after” house would be remodeled, reconstructed, and restored into an entirely new house. There were glimpses of walls being demolished and kitchens gutted to allow the new project to emerge. But we didn’t see all of the destruction. We only saw the results of the reconstruction. 

Grief is like going from destruction to reconstruction. The second task of Dr. William Wooden’s Tasks of Grieving includes this process: working through the wide range of emotions that occur after we suffer the loss of our loved one. Here’s where it can be overwhelming in the sense of too much all at once. Feeling our emotions incites fear, anxiety, and discomfort. Initially, it’s where we want to run, hide, avoid, deny, and numb ourselves. 

However, if we allow ourselves to “go there” to cry, ache, acknowledge, and express our pain, it can lead to the space for healing and rebuilding of a different life. 

Stephanie Erickson, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Media Commentator, said, “Grief will make a new person out of you if it doesn’t kill you.” Like a jackhammer, grief will knock out the life we once knew and make room for a different life to emerge.

Thankfully, this is a process that we move through gradually with stops and starts. Sometimes, it’s three steps forward and two steps back. After a hard day, the next day is a good day. After crying for days and weeks, there is a day we don’t cry, and then there’s a week where we haven’t cried. After wondering if we will make it, it’s been six months, then a year later. A life remodel has begun. 

Amidst this major, life-changing renovation, we can trust the Master Builder to sustain us, carry us, comfort us, and guide us. God will carry us when we can’t walk, hold us when we are weak, and comfort us in our sorrow. God’s peace will surround us in our remodeled life. 

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download

Honoring our Grief

As I’ve studied grief and been on my own grief journey these past six years, one of the most helpful tools I’ve found has been research done by Dr. William Worden. Dr. Worden has written a textbook called Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy, which is widely used around the world and is used as a standard reference on the subject.

For the past 50 years, our culture has used Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In looking further, what is not recognized is that Dr. Kubler-Ross designed the stages for people who were dying, not those grieving. Using Dr. Worden’s Tasks of Grieving as a better model helps those of us grieving our loved one identify where we are so we can move through our loss and better adapt to a different life.

For the next few blog posts, I will share Dr. Worden’s Tasks of Grieving to help us as we move through our grief journey. Like a map, we can see where we are as we move through our grief, remembering we don’t get over our loss; we get through it.

The first task of grief, according to Dr. William Worden, is to accept the loss. What happens here is our brains have to take in new information that it can’t quite believe or comprehend. Our loved one was just here; how can they be gone? Accepting the loss doesn’t come all at once. It takes time to let ourselves be convinced that our loved one is no longer with us. It may come in small ways when we see their coffee mug in the cupboard, knowing it won’t be used by them again. Or it may come in the form of a memorial service or funeral when we see their photo and the dates of their birth and their death. Acceptance of our loss as a reality helps us step into the process of grieving our loved one.

Because our grief journey is ours to take, it will be different than someone else. There is no time frame to say that we have to be done grieving after the first year. We must remind ourselves, we loved someone, we were attached to someone, and we will grieve.

At a recent conference I attended, psychologist and author Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge (who is a part of the Grief Share curriculum) said, “Grief is an honor.” When we grieve, we are honoring our loved one. When we grieve, we are helping ourselves with God’s help, comfort, and strength to live a different life than we had before.

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download