Resilience and Regrowth

Last week, I had to take online courses to renew my marriage & family therapist license. Over four days, I spent 16 hours on my computer to listen and learn about grief. It was a lot. I was exhausted at the end of the week. It was also good to see what I did know and learn more about the multidimensional components of grief. The last speaker shared something that I had heard once before: the concept of Post-Traumatic Growth. Here’s a summary of what Alex Mammadyarov, LMHC, said:

1. Through the grieving process, you become vulnerable yet stronger.

2. There is a greater appreciation of life and living more vividly.

3. Life becomes more meaningful and deliberate.

4. There’s a deeper understanding of self, especially in the spiritual realm.

After listening, I took a step away from my computer and took a walk. I reflected on my journey as well as those of others I know who have lost a loved one. Life is so chaotic in the first year following the loss of your loved one. Trying to survive is the goal. Then, slowly and gently, the transformation emerges. Post-traumatic growth seems paradoxical. From the most painful experience in life comes a metamorphic change, creating a different landscape in us and how we live and view the world. 

I’ve listened to several women share how their husbands were avid gardeners. Seeing the garden after the loss of their spouse was a reminder of what their husband loved. In each case, these women removed the original gardens and redesigned and replanted something new. The removal of what was allowed something else to be planted.

Post-traumatic growth offers the opportunity to take the life we once had and reconfigure and recalibrate. One of the outcomes is a resilience that allows us to grow in our appreciation of life while being deliberate in pursuing life-giving opportunities. It’s a process and a journey. Helen Keller said, “The best way out is always through.” It’s through the maze of grief that we land in a place of growth and healing.  

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download

A Life Remodel

In 2013, the television program that would fascinate all of us had its first episode. “Fixer Upper” would snowball into an empire as we watched a process of transformation each week. The “before” house and the “after” house would be remodeled, reconstructed, and restored into an entirely new house. There were glimpses of walls being demolished and kitchens gutted to allow the new project to emerge. But we didn’t see all of the destruction. We only saw the results of the reconstruction. 

Grief is like going from destruction to reconstruction. The second task of Dr. William Wooden’s Tasks of Grieving includes this process: working through the wide range of emotions that occur after we suffer the loss of our loved one. Here’s where it can be overwhelming in the sense of too much all at once. Feeling our emotions incites fear, anxiety, and discomfort. Initially, it’s where we want to run, hide, avoid, deny, and numb ourselves. 

However, if we allow ourselves to “go there” to cry, ache, acknowledge, and express our pain, it can lead to the space for healing and rebuilding of a different life. 

Stephanie Erickson, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Media Commentator, said, “Grief will make a new person out of you if it doesn’t kill you.” Like a jackhammer, grief will knock out the life we once knew and make room for a different life to emerge.

Thankfully, this is a process that we move through gradually with stops and starts. Sometimes, it’s three steps forward and two steps back. After a hard day, the next day is a good day. After crying for days and weeks, there is a day we don’t cry, and then there’s a week where we haven’t cried. After wondering if we will make it, it’s been six months, then a year later. A life remodel has begun. 

Amidst this major, life-changing renovation, we can trust the Master Builder to sustain us, carry us, comfort us, and guide us. God will carry us when we can’t walk, hold us when we are weak, and comfort us in our sorrow. God’s peace will surround us in our remodeled life. 

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download