Forever Memorialized

Since my husband died, I’ve connected with many new friends and some past friends. Debby and I met over 40 years ago while attending a small home fellowship group with our pastor. When she married her husband, I attended her wedding in 1986. Debby’s husband died in 2019. Later that year, we met up again in the women’s bathroom at our church.

Recently, Debby attended a special event honoring her husband and hundreds of others who died as a result of Agent Orange in the Vietnam War.

According to the website Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund, “Since the Vietnam War ended, thousands of Vietnam veterans have suffered due to Agent Orange exposure, PTSD and other illnesses as a result of their service. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund (VVMF) believes all those who served in Vietnam should be honored and remembered for their service. The In Memory program enables the families and friends of those who came home and later died the opportunity to have them be forever memorialized.”

Last week Debby and I had coffee. I wanted to hear about her experience visiting Washington, D.C., where a ceremony was held to honor her husband. As she shared the story, it became clear this was powerful and meaningful. She said, “He protected me from his stories as a Navy medic.” However, knowing about her husband’s military life and his service gave her an additional piece of him she had never known.

After our conversation, I had two takeaways. First, we can discover more about our loved one even after they are gone. Last week, I was looking for a car title in a file drawer. Behind the file was a folder of notes my husband took from sermons and classes. There were copious notes and pages filled with references and Scriptures. It reminded me of how he loved to learn and grow. 

The second take away I came home with while Debby and I shared was that you can grow to love your person even more though they are no longer living. Our love for our person will always be. Their absence doesn’t diminish our love but increases over time. Memorialization allows us to create an enduring connection, keeping them with us as we move forward in life.

Debby smiled while telling the story of laying the four white roses on the memorial for her husband (see photo above). She shared this experience with loved ones of other men who suffered the effects of Agent Orange during the Vietnam War. Out of such tragedy and pain comes a way to honor and remember those who suffered.

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download

Comfort for the Discomfort

Since my husband died, I am more selective in choosing which movies to watch. In the past, I could easily watch a rom-com or a love story without a problem. However, that no longer works for me. I’m not a prude, but watching other people make out creates a discomfort I would like to avoid. What it triggers in me is a longing for something I no longer have. It’s like going to the candy store and standing at the counter, looking at all the sweet treats, knowing I can’t have any. It hurts. While I try to avoid seeing people show public displays of affection, sometimes it shows up.

Earlier this month, I went to a baseball game with three friends, all widows. We had great seats and enjoyed the experience, except for one thing. Two rows in front of us sat a couple that appeared deeply enamored with one another. The female sat with her head turned toward her male friend most of the game, with doe eyes gazing into his. Because they were in front of us, it was impossible not to notice.  Throughout the game, she stayed fixed on him. Several times, they kissed. Obviously, they were in love and not shy about displaying their affection. There was certainly nothing wrong or inappropriate in what this couple did.

After the game, while leaving the parking lot, I asked my friends what they thought. We agreed that it was uncomfortable. Being in a situation where you can’t “change the channel,” we all faced the reality of something we no longer have: a partner, their affection, and their companionship. If you were to ask someone who has a spouse, it probably would not have bothered them. However, for us, it was front and center. We all felt the discomfort.

So what’s the remedy? Where’s the comfort in the discomfort? Being aware of the discomfort allows us to decide what to do. We can let it paralyze us or let it lead us to a deeper grasp of what we still have.  We can feel all the emotions it leaves us with while being grateful for all we had in the past and all we still have in the present.

I have found comfort in a book called, “Liturgy for Embracing Both Joy & Sorrow” by Douglas McKelvey, found in Volume II, Death, Grief, and Hope. This quote in the form of a prayer expresses the comfort in the discomfort; “Do not be distant, O Lord, lest I find this burden of loss too heavy, and shrink from the necessary experience of my grief. O Lord, lest I become so mired in yesterday’s hurts, that miss entirely the living gifts this day might hold.”

In our grieving, we are faced with choices to focus on what we no longer have or on what we still have.  We miss our loved one, of course, but let’s not miss all that remains, being grateful, while still grieving.

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download