Grading Our Grief
For the last few weeks, two major hurricanes have taken a toll on thousands of people in the southeast. I’ve received emails and texts regarding relief efforts and how to help those who have lost everything. Both hurricanes were categorized by using a system to indicate the wind speed. Category 5 was the worst, with wind speeds up to 150 miles per hour. Rating hurricanes is necessary to help people get prepared and take emergency steps. It makes me wonder if we have a similar system of categorizing our grief or grading our grief.
When talking with someone who has experienced a loss, I’ve heard the phrase, “Well, I know someone who has it a lot worse.” Or, “losing a child is worse than losing a spouse.” Both these statements offer little comfort and dismiss the intensity of loss. Comparing our loss with someone else is like comparing apples to oranges. No two losses are the same. Grief is not categorizable. Grief cannot be compartmentalized. Grading your grief offers little more than a band-aid to someone who has gone through major surgery.
Dr. Perri Klass writes in an essay in the New York Times on Grief Shame: (https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/29/opinion/why-we-judge-each-others-grief.html)
“But is there not some way to take some judgment out of the equation, whether we’re judging someone for grieving too much, too little, or too long for using the wrong language, or for daring to suggest that grief can be profound even after what may seem like a lesser bereavement? People who are mourning a pregnancy that ended in a loss do not need to be told that it is harder to lose a 1-year-old; people who are grieving parents whom they loved don’t need to be reproached for causing pain to those who are estranged from their own parents. There is always a greater grief. You can acknowledge the rich history of human sadness and still mourn your own loss.”
Grief is personal and unique and reflects the love and attachment you had with your loved one. The way we grieve and mourn will reflect the many dimensions of who we are and who are loved one was. There is no grading system for our grief. We all pass the class as we move through our grief.
