It's Not a Race

Grieving in our Western culture is not easy. Speed and ease are keys to managing life. We are often encouraged to “hurry up and get over it.” Grief expert David Kessler asks this question: “How do we grieve in a world that wants us to hurry up and grieve?”

A friend who lives in Croatia shared with me the evidence that a grieving person in Croatian culture is to wear black for an extended period of time, up to 40 days. This expression of mourning allows people to see the evidence of a person’s loss. It appears there is an honoring of grief, not a hurrying.

Because our grief is unique and individual, we will all grieve accordingly.

During my first year of losing my husband, I was asked, “Are you better yet?” I don’t recall what I said, but I thought, “I don’t have the flu; my husband died.”

In our culture, we want to see progress and completion. Grief is unlike anything we can measure by a progressive set of steps. There’s not a course completion with a certificate that says you finished. Grief is a normal response to the loss of a relationship where there was attachment. Grief is rooted in love and continues even after the death of our loved one.

The process of getting through what we won’t get over is arduous, to say the least. Time passes, and grief will look different from how it did in the first weeks and months. Where we are is not where we will stay. As we process, express, and find coping skills to manage our grief, we can take our time as we move through, not get over.

Thankfully, grief is not a race but a journey where we find others along the way to encourage us to keep going.

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download

Broken Open

Since the recent rains, I see all the weeds in my yard that have grown and are waiting to be pulled. My yard is filled with drought-tolerant plants and rocks surrounding them. Standing on the rocks while pulling weeds is not an easy task. Frequently, I move a rock or two to get to the weed.

Rocks can get in the way. Some rocks can cover up the holes. (What holes?) Others offer something entirely different. For instance, geodes are rocks that contain something inside, typically crystal-like formations or minerals. Rock hounds have discovered glistening layers of colors and formations when they break open the rocks. Sometimes, there can be beauty in the breaking.

Author David Brooks said in a recent speech, “As Paul Tillich put it, suffering introduces you to yourself and reminds you that you are not the person you thought you were. You see yourself in a deep way. You can be broken or broken open. People that are transformed decide they are going to be broken open.”

Like a geode, we can choose to be broken open in our grief journey. Being broken open can feel like a shattering or a slow cracking. Sometimes, it’s like peeling back the layers of an onion. However it happens, our suffering and pain are creating a deeper dimension of who we are as a result of our loss.

When I look back on who I was before my husband died, I see my limited capacity to walk with those who grieve. I cringe at the words that came out of my mouth. Now, I offer very few words, along with my presence and prayers, for those who are grieving.

Grief isn’t something that happens to us. It’s an experience that happens inside of us. We can be transformed by it, discovering the authenticity and empathy we can offer others who are grieving.

May we find the courage required to be broken open.

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download