Grow from our Grief
Every spring, I take online courses to complete my continuing education units for my license as a therapist. I took an online course with grief expert David Kessler this past month. In the video, he said, “What we run from pursues us. What we face transforms us.” Such a powerful statement.
It’s normal to want to run from the depths of pain as we grieve. We want to run, numb, deny, ignore, and suppress. There are a variety of ways to run: drinking, shopping, eating, cleaning, staying busy, gambling, and every other behavior that keeps us from feeling.
For some of us, we’ve been taught to keep our feelings to ourselves. Or, as the saying goes, “sweep it under the rug.” The image of sweeping something as massive as our grief under a rug creates a picture of trying to hide Mt. Everest under a rug. It would appear that hiding it does not make it go away.
A few years ago, I was bike riding in Yosemite National Park. I had almost made it to the rental return kiosk when I suddenly fell off the bike. I felt the pain in my right ankle immediately. I knew I needed to get some ice to put on my ankle. The ice offered some relief as I sat on a bench, elevating my leg.
Fast forward, three weeks later, I was still feeling pain, so I went for an X-ray and received some physical therapy. As the physical therapist manipulated my ankle, it initially caused pain. He apologized and then said, “The pain is there to tell you’re healing.” Pain is part of the process. Like healing our bodies, there is no hiding, skipping, bypassing, or avoiding the pain in our grief journey.
It goes something like this: “We deal, then we feel, and we can heal.”
Dealing involves allowing ourselves to look at our loss and taking the first step into feeling. Feeling our emotions allows us to process, experience, and name our feelings: sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, helplessness, and fear. By letting ourselves feel, we can begin to lessen the pain and move toward healing. The opportunity to let our grief transform us awaits. In our own time and own way, we can grow from our grief.