Wired to Heal

Last month, I renewed my driver’s license. I did the preliminary steps online, so all I had to do when I went to the DMV office was pay my fees and get a new photo.  While waiting in line to take the photo, I observed a woman in front of me. The photographer asked her to remove her hat. As she did, she said, “It’s my badge of honor,” revealing her bald head. Indeed. She was wearing a badge of honor, symbolizing her journey of loss and healing.

Some of us have visible evidence of our pain and sorrow, but often, our grief is invisible to the world. However, our brains are the place where grief does its major work. Dr. Mary Frances O’Connor’s book, professor and author of “The Grieving Brain,” shares how our brains fire neurons related to our attachments. The loss of our loved one creates a separation that causes a physiological response in our brain.

As I’ve been reading her book, I’m fascinated with how we are wired by our Creator with such exquisite detail and intricate abilities allowing us to form relationships. We are wired to have relationships. When a person we love has died, we are wired to grieve. And we are wired to heal.

Helen Keller said, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” Being “fearfully and wonderfully made,” we are able to move through grief which allows us to continue to live after our loss. Life after loss looks different because we are different.

Our brains have to recalibrate as we adjust and adapt. Our brains create new pathways for us as we remember our loved ones while doing new activities without them. Our brains enable our feelings and thoughts to line up with a different reality.

Amidst all the rewiring in our brains, we form a sacred storage unit of memories while creating a new circuit board that allows us to live in the present and go into the future. Our brains are powerful and magnificent given to us by a powerful and magnificent Creator who is with us on our journey.

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download

Resilience and Regrowth

Last week, I had to take online courses to renew my marriage & family therapist license. Over four days, I spent 16 hours on my computer to listen and learn about grief. It was a lot. I was exhausted at the end of the week. It was also good to see what I did know and learn more about the multidimensional components of grief. The last speaker shared something that I had heard once before: the concept of Post-Traumatic Growth. Here’s a summary of what Alex Mammadyarov, LMHC, said:

1. Through the grieving process, you become vulnerable yet stronger.

2. There is a greater appreciation of life and living more vividly.

3. Life becomes more meaningful and deliberate.

4. There’s a deeper understanding of self, especially in the spiritual realm.

After listening, I took a step away from my computer and took a walk. I reflected on my journey as well as those of others I know who have lost a loved one. Life is so chaotic in the first year following the loss of your loved one. Trying to survive is the goal. Then, slowly and gently, the transformation emerges. Post-traumatic growth seems paradoxical. From the most painful experience in life comes a metamorphic change, creating a different landscape in us and how we live and view the world. 

I’ve listened to several women share how their husbands were avid gardeners. Seeing the garden after the loss of their spouse was a reminder of what their husband loved. In each case, these women removed the original gardens and redesigned and replanted something new. The removal of what was allowed something else to be planted.

Post-traumatic growth offers the opportunity to take the life we once had and reconfigure and recalibrate. One of the outcomes is a resilience that allows us to grow in our appreciation of life while being deliberate in pursuing life-giving opportunities. It’s a process and a journey. Helen Keller said, “The best way out is always through.” It’s through the maze of grief that we land in a place of growth and healing.  

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

FREE ebook by Pam Luschei | Click HERE To Download