In the first year after my husband suddenly died, unbeknownst to me, I discovered some myths about grief. There were some unspoken expectations and mistaken assumptions I perceived from people around me.

I recall being asked some odd questions, like, “Are you better yet?” Having grief brain, I can’t remember what my response was. But I do remember the thoughts I had: “I’m not getting over the flu. My husband is dead, and no, I’m not better yet.” Clearly, the person was not aware of how a major loss affects a person. Somewhere in there, it appeared that there was an assumption that grieving people need to get better and make it quick.

As I’ve been on my grief journey and studied grief, I’m finding some truth busters to counteract the cultural myths of grief. Here are a few facts:

1. Grief is hard work. We don’t get over our loss. We learn to live with it.

2. Grief is proof that we loved someone. We don’t stop loving them.

3. Grief changes us over time. We do not stay where we begin.

4. Grief creates a deep awareness of how short life is. We live accordingly.

5. Grief offers a capacity to deepen our relationship with God, others, and ourselves. We grieve what we lost, but find gratitude in what remains.

6. Grief gives us memories that create an enduring connection with our loved one. We form a treasure box as we remember our loved one.

7. Grief is our own unique, individual journey. We honor our loved one and ourselves when we don’t compare losses. We take as long as we need, on our own path.

Knowing the facts about grief offers us a shame-free, non-judgmental space to grieve in the way we need to. Putting aside others’ expectations of how we process our loss brings growth out of our grief.

‘‘Grateful Yet Grieving’’

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This Sunday, May 3, is officially National Widows Day, a day to raise awareness of the challenges widows face. Every day, approximately 2800 women become widows. According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, the loss of a spouse is the most stressful event a person will experience.

Like most days set aside to recognize and bring awareness to an issue, it’s designed for others to learn about the issue and the person who has experienced it. We may not realize the opportunity we have to educate others and help them develop a better understanding of life following the loss of a spouse. It seems obvious, but most people will never understand what it’s like to lose a spouse unless they experience it.

This past year, I’ve been part of a ministry called Never Alone Widows. It’s a national faith-based organization based in Atlanta, Georgia, designed to offer hope, healing, comfort, and community to widows. We meet monthly to allow space to share and encourage one another. Each time I’m in the room with 30 or so women, I’m amazed at the immediate connection we all feel. It’s like we say without saying, “You, too?…. I know you understand.”

One of the most meaningful parts of our meeting is called table talk. We design questions to elicit discussion about the topic and engage with each other. Before we answer the questions, we say our husband’s name and how long he’s been gone. It’s a tender time to speak our husband’s name and let ourselves hear it once again.

When we know we are not alone, we begin to experience a sense of validation and connection. We feel better. We can keep going. We discover a different life. We find new growth opportunities. As Isaiah 61:3 offers, “out of the ashes we rise.”