Equipped for Grief
Within the first six months after my husband died, I developed a friendship with Caye. While sitting in the back of the church during her husband’s memorial, I identified deeply with her grief. A few weeks later, we had dinner, and a bond was forged out of our loss. We began meeting regularly for walks and meals. Even after she remarried a few years ago, Caye and I continue to get together for a cup of delicious Costa Rican coffee and a walk.
Recently, she shared a perspective I valued and asked for permission to share. “As I was reflecting on the devastation that comes after the loss of a happy marriage, I had a thought: it is the love, the shaping, the growth, the stability, the bedrock of trust that one experiences in a happy marriage that allows and facilitates one in navigating the depths of grief. A loving marriage actually equips one to live and eventually thrive beyond the loss of one’s spouse. It’s the same principle as a stable, loving family equipping its children to thrive in the larger world beyond family. I simply never thought about how a stable, happy marriage actually equipped me to manage the depths of early grief and to create a new life beyond it.”
As I read and reread Caye’s words, I sensed the depth of where the grief comes from; a secure, loving, trusting relationship forms the foundation of how we grieve. In one sense, it seems completely contrary. Our spouse is no longer here, and the marriage has come to an end. Yet, from the goodness and gift of our marriage comes this strange space. As Caye says, “the bedrock of trust” allows us to move through the process of grieving, knowing our grief is a continuation of our love. Our grief grows and blooms as we move into a different life, grateful for what we had and for what remains.